Me vs. The Canceled

If you read this in it's entirety, you're canceled. I don't make the rules Twitter does.

Happy 2021, I love popping in your inbox unannounced every 3 months. I love having this on/off relationship with you. It’s toxic, but don’t lie, you love the chaos.

My therapist said I’m a good person, although when I obsess about the same thing over and over again or when in our sessions I say I’m going to start some beef with my nemesis who has no idea she’s even my nemesis so people can cancel her. My therapist has a disapproving look, shakes her head, and says “ Christy, you’re above this.” HA! No, I’m not. Do you know me, at all? Have you’ve been listening for the past 3 years? Let me first say, I don’t believe in cancel culture I believe in fistfights, I believe in going live on Instagram, with the person who's on Twitter trial and making them cry.

There is a list of things I chose to cancel this year in 2021 and I’d like to start off by also congratulating those people and inanimate objects as they remained unscathed by social media users. 

I don’t have the power to cancel anyone, but Twitter makes me believe that I do, and I run miles with that illusion. I finally have rights, and my voice matters and I will go down in history as a morally sound person who stopped supporting this really shady racist celebrity,  OFF WITH THEIR HEAD! Wait, wait hold up, *mid fucking scroll*... what is this? Is this an apology on the notes app? What is this font? Why isn’t this cropped? Why can I see what time they wrote this? A month later they’re in a new movie. 

I’ll share a few things I heard we should cancel and things I took upon myself to cancel or went along with canceling because Twitter said so.

The first thing I canceled in 2021 was rent. 

That’s a thing of the past, if you still pay your rent you probably didn’t get the memo, and should cancel that son of a bitch. Twitter said fuck landlords so that’s what I’ve been doing every Saturday at 9 p.m. and weirdly enough I haven’t got an email to pay rent. So it’s working.

Number two, I canceled myself around February. I know, out of all months. I had to hold myself accountable as I kept messaging white brands asking if 50 grand was in their budget for one social media post. Is 50 grand a stretch? No look at me I’m Black, gay, I have great hair, and according to my doctor I’m overweight so I’m checking all the diversity boxes every brand is looking for. I begged to be the token Black person, you know to pose holding a tote bag that reads “ Yasss Queen” and sport a hoodie that read “ I’m My Ancestor’s Wildest Dream.” And it didn’t work. But listen, it’s all good, because that hoodie is so wrong, for starters my ancestors weren’t allowed to dream, as they were slaves, rest wasn’t a thing. I know for a fact my ancestors did not dream about me ordering take out for the 4th time this week and it’s only Tuesday, along with collecting outstanding parking tickets, I don’t even have a driver’s license. You want me to believe, they really dreamt about me hyping myself up for a solid hour so I can get the courage to get out of bed? Or dream about my dyslexia ruining every relationship I have because I’m reading text messages wrong. Or tossing bills in a random drawer to get it out of my sight and pretend it doesn’t exist? Then okay, fine. I don’t wanna shit on that dream, I will continue on my path of avoiding responsibilities.

Number three, I definitely have canceled Covid-19, you may remember she tried to kill me last year, I don’t even want to say “she” sorry, definitely white cis male vibes. He is shitty and has ruined my body, I aged 40 years. I’m not canceling Covid for what others might be canceling him for. I don’t care about not seeing my friends or eating in dining bubbles, which is not normal, please don’t eat in tents on the street when our houseless neighbors get arrested for doing the same thing. Pack it up, the restaurant is not that good, they have a B rating. Oh, you want the experience of being out? You don’t even like people, remember you wrote that in a tweet in 2014, keep that same energy. Also, you loathe everyone you’re eating in the bubble with, cut the shit, you’re going to go home and tell your partner how much they suck, then post online “ So happy I got to see my friend.” Y’all are actually number 4, you are canceled, all of you dining out… CANCELLED.

I was a part of a huge movement this year demanding justice, it’s been a long fight, our enemy is bigger than all of us but I believe we can take him down. #FreeBritney, so respectfully, I’m canceling Dads. Dad if you’re reading this, no my phone number hasn’t changed I will call you back, currently writing a book, and whew buddy you are in it, yep, all the way through thinking about what your fake name should be so you don’t sue me.

In relation to getting justice for Janet Jackson and Britney Spears, I too, want the white guy who pretended to be Black his entire career going! I want his smash hits banished from all-party playlists! Except for the boy band songs, those are iconic we can’t cancel that it’s a part of every millennial’s DNA ( it took me 4 times to spell millennial correctly. )

This is the last one because I need to order take out.

Double cancellation! English and Grammar, Punctuation Just Words In General: fuck grammar we r done with that bitch! Do you know what’s racist? English. It’s racist, my parents are immigrants I’m telling you English doesn’t make any logical sense. English is oppressing you. You wanna support things that are racist? Huh, do you? Then stop speaking Standard American English. I’m tired of your “exceptional” vocabulary that you only know because you downloaded an app that gives you a new word to use in a sentence every day. Not everyone wants to use a comma or add an extra O to the word ‘ too’ who says this is the right way to spell? You guessed it, random white folks from the year 1418. Let people talk and write how they want to, and if you don’t understand, it’s because you lack context and world experiences.

That wasn’t sarcasm I’m serious. “Well Christy that is harsh, that is impossible.” So. What are you going to do about it? Cancel me? You can’t, because I have the notes app baby! I already wrote an apology for this post. It’s queued up ready to go, just below my other apology titled ‘ I’m sorry I said Activist Influencers are bad people.’

I know I said that was the last one but I can’t help it, when I say goodbye that’s just a warning that I’m leaving in thirty minutes, we can totally still chat. My mother did this to me after church I remember her saying goodbye to everyone 20 times at 1 p.m. and leaving at 4 p.m it’s what you socially inherit when you’re Black.

Twitter told me to cancel Queen Elizabeth but it just made me google her and learn more. I’ve been on the royal family website 50 times since the Oprah interview, I’ve watched the lifetime movies, finished The Crown, and with my visits to their website and consuming their YouTube content I’ve ironically given them probably money with each click. I’m perpetuating the rise of the monarchy. But I don’t feel guilty, I like to closely watch the people who invented colonialism, as they are unpredictable, they may fuck around one day and bring back slavery out of pure anger towards Meghan Markle so I want to be the first to report on it.

I don’t have the platform or social capital to be canceled and I have to say, it’s so cool to be problematic with no one ever caring.

Okay, I’m leaving for real this time. Food is here.