I do's & 10th-Grade Revenge

I got married, but I'm still homophobic

I did it, I said “I do” to a hot suburban mom who likes cats, eats midnight snacks, and has parents who are still married to each other, which was a surprise to me because when I met her she gave the vibes that her parents split when she was three and was raised by a neighborhood babysitter. She has such an independent flair, she wears Birkenstocks, open toes guys! Open toes! She chooses comfort, and that is a very adult choice to make. I totally scored, although I am waiting for her to say “Sike- your 10th-grade nemesis hired me to fall in love with you and I’ve been recording all your secrets so she can transcribe them into a book titled 10 steps to a successful revenge.”  This would happen because I’m an air sign she’s a fire sign and that’s a match made in toxic heaven.

My 10th-grade nemesis was a girl I had a crush on but she liked this guy who showed his love by forcing her to listen to his band play on Friday nights in the parking garage of an Applebees. He gave her warm beer in red solo cups at parties.  And I'm standing there like hello look at me, I’m buying you a swiss roll at the corner store every day, spend nights pirating all your favorite movies and burning them on a CD yet you choose him?! One day in math class she turned around in her seat and handed me a note that read–I can’t hang out with you anymore, I think you’re gay and that's a sin. If you talk to me again I'm telling everyone.

A sin! You know what’s a sin? The rom-com My Boss’s Daughter, that film is not worth a $100,000 piracy fine. For a year, I pushed down the fear I had, as I envisioned the feds knocking my door down to catch me red-handed downloading Bridget Jones Diary, and my immigrant mother suddenly code-switching to a Leave It To Beaver accent: 

“ I’m an American officer! That isn't oxtails on the stove, it's meatloaf!” 

Guys, my mom really stopped making Jamaican food at home to appear more American, as if that was the dead give away not her teaching Patois to the small white baby she pushed in a stroller at the park. 

My heart dropped right through my ass. I ran straight to the bathroom and I took a shit. Stay with me, I thought it was a heartbreak shit but it turns out I had IBS and I had to stop eating swiss rolls and other things that irritated my stomach.

The only logical thing to do when you get a note like that is fire back, I have to do something huge, so I did. I stole her boyfriend. I made my move, and I started dating a guy I did not like. She was devastated. Hey don’t feel bad for her I was devastated too, because now I’m subjected to his band and I’m drinking warm beer! 

Am I over it? No, that’s why I’m writing about it and leaving a digital footprint.

I’ve moved on I’m married now and let me just add planning a wedding is very boring, so we kept telling ourselves we’re just throwing a party for 30 of our friends. The “party” took place in a beautiful brownstone.

I think this is the part where I state what we wore. I wore a beanie because it was a party. My new wife wore flashy pants, because this is a party! 

Since I feel more responsible now being an adult who is wifed up. I’ll share some advice– when planning a wedding tell all your vendors that you’re having a party, when you say your event is a wedding an angel falls from the sky and a couple from the west village who started a flower shop business at home during the pandemic have to start repaying their PPP loan, they slowly rise from their Italian sofa cuz here you go landing the perfect email in their inbox. Yes of course your email finds them well because you just said you’re having a wedding, and their price just went from 500 dollars to 5 grand!

Just go to trader joes, that's what we did. Listen, you don’t have to take my advice even though I’m very much an adult, I know what I’m talking about, I’m with a woman who wears Birkenstocks. 

We had an amazing time, all of our friends got to meet each other and we danced all night. I danced with the love of my life and felt the happiest I have felt in so long, it was as if no one else was there, we just held each other. We held on to that feeling for days… 

Until I thought you know what could ruin this moment, me obsessing about my 10th-grade nemesis. 

I got a private message on social media. And look who it is, my tenth-grade nemesis sending her congrats to me, she tells me she has also recently wed. I congratulated her as well. 

I look at her Instagram and see updates on her very LESBIAN life. Yes she's a gay! Hide her from JD Vance cuz she is more gay than me, she danced to Melissa Etheridge at her wedding and we danced to Fat Man Scoop! She has pronouns in her bio every caption and hashtag end with a rainbow flag, and I still lust after Denzel Washington, this girl is gay gay!

I shove the phone in my wife's face and this is how the conversation went:

“Babe look, she’s gay! She was a homophobe!”

“ You were a homophobe, you still are a homophobe!”

She was right.

What did I do? I ran to my dms and gave her a taste of homophobia! I type GAYYYYY! And I hit send. 

She sent a thousand hahaha’s , and then sent the nicest message, it was long, it was thoughtful and I responded with an equally important thoughtful message:

Do you still like the film My Boss’s Daughter?

My nemesis I guess is no longer my nemesis, she never was. I'm overjoyed with how much two once closeted kids had to go through all the guys who gave us warm beer to get here. We now have this freedom in the love we always wanted.

My wife said I did not become an adult because we got married, but because I have let go of a 20-year-old one-sided beef. 

She’s right, she’s always right, which is why I chose her to live with me in sin.

-C

Whitney and Bobby an air sign and a fire sign on their wedding day

Things to look out for !

I’ll be joining

LaTonya Yvette

with her upcoming workshop! I’ll be teaching a session on imagery. This workshop is so important to the building of storytelling, and I would love to hear your story. Here is the link to sign up hope to meet you there! 

(Note: I have permission from my former nemesis to write this story )