Friendships & Invitations to Vulnerability
Grieving friendships, Pat Parker, Audre Lorde... And Moving On
Images of my former friendship are below:
Okay, that was funny, you laughed. Honestly, if I could turn this newsletter into a daily tell-all and share the inner details of my friendship break-up I would, c’mon guys, just say the word.
Listen, friendship can be wacky it can be painful, it can be dark, I remember watching my mom go through the different stages of grief when she and her best friend drifted apart. I never got full clarity I remember this person no longer being in our lives. The exchanging of photos and letters had ended between them, being a sneaky teen I would go and look through the letters ( sorry mom) and try to find if the tone had changed, and who did what to who, but nothing.
I guess I was watching too many episodes of Gilmore Girls one day and told my mom she better tell me the truth about what happened to her and her best friend.
“ Circumstantial friends can exist Christy.” I had so many questions, well how long will this break-up last? Are you just throwing people out, then you’re done with them? Are they using you? What is a circumstantial friend?
Here is what I assume; her former friend had gotten engaged moved to Canada and wasn’t as available as my mother was used to, she felt entitled to the availability of her friend. And boomers weren’t always given the best tools to discuss fear or ask for reassurance so the next worst response is “ You never talk to me anymore, you hate me, you’re not my friend!”
Having dealt with my own friendship break-up, it is gut-wrenching it is confusing and we don’t allow ourselves to feel bad about it because they’re just friends, but trust me I still go to therapy over this friendship I’ve lost trust in others, and feel insecure around new friends afraid to get close.
I didn’t always know how to stand up for myself and how to say ‘no’, and when I learned how to say ‘no’ my friendship started to fade, self-blame sparked and the regret of sticking up for yourself and setting boundaries went into self-questioning. And since that break-up and that loss, It’s hard for me to say no because I am afraid I’ll lose a friend. I even project this fear onto my partner with her friends I get nervous her choosing herself will lead to her friendships ending. This leads me back to my friend’s birthday celebration, I couldn’t make it to the party, and my no was met with understanding with grace and that is new for me. Something I want to hold on to.
I one time missed a friend’s phone call and called her back maybe an hour later breathing heavily and said sorry I missed your call, I explained what I was doing and she laughed “ It’s okay ” and I realized I was creating a story about this new friend, projecting an old dynamic to a new one. She said, “You aren’t obligated to pick up when I call I just want to tell you about these shoes.”
I laughed and dropped my hands to my knees. Exhaling deeply. Thought of how silly I was. Finding safety and non-performance in friendships is difficult for me. But I realize that in order to feel safe and for others to feel safe I have to invite them to be vulnerable, not force it on each other, and allow the option to decline or accept that invitation.
And I wonder if my mom and her BFF ever had that safety, ever allowed the other to not always give a performance invited each other to be vulnerable, and still showed up for each other even if the invitation to vulnerability was declined. Did they honor the other’s boundaries? Was a ‘no’ defined as betrayal or a moment to see the other person outside of the friendship, outside of the world that they share together? Did something happen where my mom’s friend no longer felt safe to discuss her life with my mom due to my mother’s reaction to her ever-changing world?
I find reassurance important in friendships, “ hey are we okay I’m feeling insecure about this?” Maybe if that was in my mother’s letter or vice versa, then just maybe the break-up would’ve never happened.
My mother’s life has changed a whole lot.
I received a Facebook message in 2019… my mother’s friend had found me reach out and said Christy I hope you’re well I can’t believe you’re a mother time has really passed by. I want to send your mother a letter, what’s her address?
I was a happy bird so excited and flustered I responded without asking my mother first. I called her up and told her about the Facebook exchange ( always better to ask for forgiveness from my mom, than ask for permission)
She said ever so quietly, “ The devil finally took a break, and suddenly our egos are restored. I can’t wait to know what she has been up to all this time.”
I thought with my own friendship break up in 2020 that I could relate to my mom about her story but I related to her friend’s side of their break-up, which surprised her. And having told my mom my perspective on my own break-up, allowing her to understand her friend more, it helped her see where she didn’t communicate where she panicked where she didn’t see her. Where they both dropped the ball on reciprocal love. If only they knew that their lives changing didn’t mean the end it didn’t mean abandonment. That there was room for them both.
All types of friends are important and valuable
Circumstantial friends
long-distance friends
long term friends
travel friends
new friends
party friends
parenting friends
I am grateful for many friendships that have happened and also relieved for the ones that have moved on.
-C
