Chasing Whiteness

Generational wealth, The English language, and hypothetical grandkids

Hi Friends,

I’ve been thinking about generational challenges and how wealth is unequally distributed between Black and white households, and also how reparations for slavery are wayyyyy overdue. While we wait for that I do want to explain how I view generational wealth. I wrote about the American dream class/money and self-blame here #1 American Dream Myth in case you missed it. Read that before you read this.

I have always had a very white eurocentric definition of generational wealth, and respectability politics, because well that is what was sold and given to us. 

Listen, my parents watched a couple of episodes of The Cosby Show, they looked at each other and said “ We can do that.” Came to America with nothing but broken English and the wrong lyrics for the patriotic song ‘America the Beautiful.’ And while they had dreams it turned out differently, as their dreams became mine. And being the only American in the family the pressure was on! I was given a job application to fill out while still in diapers. 

I use to get so angry, seeing my white peers have something to sit on,  have something to fall back on, a bit of a safety net. I still get angry, I think I always will, rightfully so. But that anger began to center my life, and the blame shifted, I would get upset with my parents for not leaving behind anything, but now I’m mad at something else, which duh what else is new, it wouldn’t be right if I wasn’t yelling at the sky about something.

I was mad for tricking myself into believing I had nothing.  I was wrong. My parents left me a lot of goods. Things I do consider wealth although many wouldn’t because generational wealth has been deemed as something that has monetary value.

Let’s start from the top; It took me a long time to understand language as a Black person.  That the English language along with its definitions does not apply to me, it was never a language for me to follow and learn.  What I’m saying is, is that the English language is not mine, as it is an oppressive language, and because of this, we all have to reconfigure words and create new definitions. 

So the way I view generational wealth had to change. 

The generational wealth that I desired and chased was something constructed in whiteness. Sometimes we chase things that don’t belong to us. We see someone buy a house on Instagram, and we think that should be our next step as well.  I’ve done that, the majority of my life, my mother warned me, many times, that the things I desired were not real, sure I could achieve them, I could do anything I set my mind to I’M AN AMERICAN! But that these things that I still chase, will not lead to success because I didn’t actually want them, I wanted them because other people had them, which most likely meant white people had them. 

I’ve had to redefine what generational wealth means and what that will look like for these hypothetical grandkids my partner is saving clothes for. 

White supremacy can’t fit in our definition of generational wealth or freedom or liberation.

If we’re chasing white supremacy then everything we do, won’t be enough, everything we obtain won’t fulfill us, because we’re not chasing freedom, were chasing a false representation of freedom and liberation.  

I think of white supremacy as this monster that needs to feed that has this insatiable greed, and this hunger creates this chase we have in life. 

Everything needs to be bigger and it has to fit within the margins of definitions of words that are inaccessible. 

When I bought my first fancy thing it gave me this true sense of freedom that I could do anything I wanted, it flicked off a switch that I don’t have to subscribe to the other things I’m chasing. It gave me the okay that I can go off-script.

I sometimes worry that the same process of self-blame for being poor as a kid and being mad at my parents will be the only thing I pass down. And then a kid with boogers runs up to me at the dinner table and says.“Can we have all your stuff when you're old?” My kids are really excited about having my books one day, our physical art, even our digital art ( yes I am an NFT collector this is the new me y’all! I’m a bro now and I wear my hat backward and discuss charts and floor prices and my partner just nods. )

They’re excited about how intentional my partner is about accumulating fabulous pieces of clothing and jewelry for our hypothetical grandkids.

We’ll pass down whatever else falls into our laps whatever else we decide to work on and believe in, whatever else that will serve as a side character to their freedom. As I want their freedom to be the main character in their life.  

Wealth has been passed down to me, books, my mother’s Ralph Lauren jacket from the ’80s My sister has some of her dresses I have blankets that have been passed down through generations, things that are meaningful and hold value, and these are things I deem as wealth. 

I think we all go into a panic thinking about the future, and with new definitions and reconfiguration and the desperation I have to pass down liberation instead of false freedoms, I still often wonder, will the kids marginalized be all right? 

-Christy 

Thank you to everyone for subscribing, the podcast is pushed to May when I finish out the semester and can create full time this summer. Thank you for supporting reallybadtaste

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