I Was Hating On You This Summer & Goodbye Shy Adults

I just walked into your million-dollar apartment and It's ok.

Hello friends!

Hang with me this morning.

8:00 AM

My daughter’s bus is late and she’s upset I put too much Aquaphor on her face but she’s so glossy now. I patted myself on the back.

Thanks for hanging in there with me I haven’t forgotten you very bad people! When I started the newsletter opportunities started knocking and the pressure was on! I thought being out of school after last semester my bad taste crew would have my devotion and undivided attention. I’m back in school and I love being here and I’m not going anywhere, I’m working on a round-up of guest writers that I know yall will drool over their words and aggressive hot takes. I can’t tell you the thing I’m doing and what you should be celebrating yet, because I don’t know if I should celebrate it yet as creative things are always so finicky but I think even opportunities that fall through are accomplishments and an opening to the dream that you thought you had put on hold.

( Flashback to 11-year-old Christy who cut her skirt with dull scissors and performed Harlem by Langston Hughes )

Listen, just know moves are moving, and it’s nerve-wracking shit!

All the things I wanted in my 20s are happening in the ’30s which I think is the best time. But you could never tell 20-something Christy to wait until you become a dinosaur and you’ll finally figure your life out.

Okay okay, summer is ending but it still feels and smells like Satan’s armpit, Let’s complain about something that I know yall will validate me in this assessment.

I wanted to write about small towns because well I’m afraid of small towns. I’ve lived in a small town. But I’m talking about really small. I want to know what are yall doing every day. I’m jealous of your air quality as my iPhone tells me the air I’m breathing is unhealthy for certain groups. I’m 95 percent sure I am the certain group! Anyway I have a different complaint…

Also sorry to let you down, but If you were waiting for me to write about the passing of the Queen of England and how the monarchy and royal family are just ceremonial and pointless I won’t because I could just write about the case of reparations and how Jamaica is not letting up three cheers to the island! BIG UP!

8:30 AM

I’m angrier than ever because no one knows how to walk on a sidewalk two lanes people two lanes! And walk fast! My entire neighborhood is changing I see more dogs, dogs that aren’t giving me attention when I walk next to them, this troubles me. I have this thing that I do where I pretend I care about the dog walking by me, where I befriend the dog and lie to its owner “ Oh yeah a cockerdoodlepug-danish hound my grandmother had one of these his name was Shaemus.”

But lately, I’ve noticed I can’t bend down and pet the small rodent cosplaying as a dog and casually ask their owner what new plastic building they’re living in. These dogs are ignoring me.

New York changes every ten years and I’ve ranted about it all summer to friends my partner, my kids, usually during peaceful moments, or during a morning walk. Walks I only go on so I can judge everything I see outside.

“ Look more gentrifiers!”

“ Teslas are ugly I see them everywhere”

“ Why would anyone want a dog that big, just buy a horse”

“ We need a sign on our block that reads drive slow.”

As much as I complain, I hate, and I judge. Not necessarily in that order.

I’m a hater first before anything but oh cmon, you know I’m not alone.

I’m honest, because I know we all love to hate.

We hate- follow people on Instagram.

We go to parties and hate on the fit we want.

Let me clear up any confusion now before I continue to throw myself under the bus, I am a refined hater, I’m not hating on major life events and meaningful work that one might do, It’s usually strangers or people that I keep bumping into who can’t shut up about the neighborhood changing… shit. Wait.

Listen, I just think it’s just important to acknowledge that because of how judgy I am, and yes because I complain about everything it automatically flows into being a registered hater. Plus I started my writing career as a critique culture writer which the title of that position… it was probably just made up specifically for me because I am critical of everything in our culture.

Quickly back to hate following on Instagram I can’t come to terms with doing that I will literally fold in half I’m too much of a gangster to follow someone I don’t like. If I saw my nemesis on my social media feed every other month because you know Instagram really isnt showing us anyone we actually know, but yes give me more ads of cute boutiques that sell knitted blazers made by poor women in a brown country.

I hate on my nemesis so much that I don’t want to scroll and see her life of being very fit, and probably working on her fifth book and texts me every 6 months to see if we still have love for each other.

I am absolutely hating on her but from a different lens a peculiar observation that makes me feel inferior a lens different than one who is just a follower. An observation that doesn’t require a phone because I have binoculars [ insert evil laugh]

I wouldn’t say I’m jealous but definitely a hater. People thriving gives me motivation for more drive, but yes I’m hating on that thing you did.

I strive to be Azelia Banks. The bravery that woman wears daily the “ Yeah I’m hating” attitude all of us could never wear proudly because we care too much about public opinion. But I want us to go back to the days when we publicly demoted our friends on Myspace. When we hated publicly. ( Ok I’m aware that last sentence made me sound like a Republican who rightfully gets his tweets reported daily. But if you didn’t notice then let’s go baby.)

10:07 AM

The neighborhood is changing. Gentrifiers hating on gentrifiers isn’t a bad thing, because I'll say to my new neighbors with their grumpy dogs “ I don’t like that you moved into this neighborhood but I really would like to see your amazing apartment with views looking over the Hudson River. But I will silently judge your faux maple wooden floors that don’t creak when you walk on them. And I will leave and say to my new neighbor that their million-dollar loft studio apartment is just ok. Because it is! Where are the original hardware floors, why does this look like a hotel lobby, where is your bed? Oh, it comes out of the wall. Nice.

It’s not just ok it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve seen but I don’t live there so I hate it.

Not everyone deserves to have haters I think we’ve been hating on the wrong folks and if anyone is looking to get a whiteboard make a bar graph on hating and those who it’s truly reserved for I’m your guy. Because I truly am working on the numbers, math is involved.

10:35 AM

I just saw you in that magazine about New York and how it is being a New Yorker and making it in New York even though you just moved here 4 days ago from Willachoochie Georgia! I’m happy for you but deep down it should’ve been me! I mean or any New Yorker for that magazine about New York! Yes, I’m gonna hate on this accomplishment you posted. Well if I don’t say anything after I just watched your 7 Insta-stories about it then you’re gonna think I’m a hater.

“ Congrats, amazing! 😍👍🏿💕🔥”

You know what really grinds my gears! ( That is the best phrase white people made)

People that move to New York and make it! Concrete jungle where dreams are made of…for people from Wyoming! You went to college super cheap and had no competition because lucky you, you were the most talented person in your town of five and then your resumè says you’re the best and top of your kindergarten class and you have never worn a pair of Jordans, you have no New York accent and you’ve never yelled at anyone, so yes you obviously got the job!

I like to think my hating isn’t unwarranted it has a base ground and I have the right to hate everything, and I can back up my hating.

Hating also for me can be birthed in different forms

Because hate isn’t just about jealousy or not wanting people to enjoy their toy poodle and creepy all-white loft.

There are people who don’t know how to walk on a sidewalk. I will hiss at you.

THE SIDEWALK DOESN’T END, SO RUN

My new book! No just kidding my book will never be done I’m too busy hating on you.

Let’s continue the chaos that is this essay that has no finish or point.

There’s a specific group of people who don’t know how to use a sidewalk they’re the same people that don’t know how an aisle works.

11:15 AM

There is so much space in an aisle at a fancy supermarket, I don’t want to be here I’m looking for quinoa because I’m buying healthy stuff to stock my pantry because it makes me feel like I’m doing something good, although I won’t ever eat it. Behold a white woman in lululemon and yeezy’s who wants me to give her respect because she believes she’s old but was only born in the ’70s my parents were born in the 50’s so just get a grip Gen X and use the other side of the aisle where my body isn’t in the way!

I won’t move I will stare at you and start to cry silently and this awkward situation I doubt will be a lesson for you, but it makes a good story for your friends to say how absurd that encounter you faced was and I become the new villain in your story for your therapist. You’re welcome.

Sometimes I’m sure people think I’m hating when I’m not. When it came to this summer it was filled with parties. I am a lover of parties and I’ve met such cool people with amazing personalities and it’s been fun. Except I hate meeting shy people. I hated all the shy people I met this summer at parties. My manners go right out the window when I meet someone who is shy. I probably walked away without properly lying to you like this:

“ I’m gonna get one more drink, hold on.”

“ Oh hold on to that thought that you’re never gonna express because I think I left my Lexapro in the bathroom brb.”

I know it’s silly right? Why on earth would I leave a conversation I was carrying? I left because shy people scare me how can you be a shy adult? Why are you so serious? Why the mystery, are you solving a murder at the party? Do you know something I don’t? Am I the murderer?

To shy folks: People are just saying hi they’re not asking you why you’re teary-eyed enjoy the vibes and your vape that is on a chain around your neck. No, I’m not hating on your friend’s JW Anderson pants, which wow very cool by the way, It’s because you were hiding behind your friend! I’m not hating on you I am terrified of your silence while everyone is dancing and kissing strangers.

If I ever hear someone say

“ Oh she’s just shy” I will cry silently and stare at you. You think you’re awkward?

Also, you can’t be shy and live in New York City, I’m sorry you’re shy because you’re probably from Willacoochie Georgia.

As long as people like me exist, oh, and trust me they do, (it’s an underground cult of insufferable energy,) you will not survive any party in NYC.

I have 3000 more words to type but in all honestly, I think the thing I hate the most this summer are these articles “ What I eat in a day” or “ I’m 26 This is what I spend my 275k salary on” That made my blood boil but I just can’t stop reading them.

You know if someone hates on your million-dollar apartment the thing to say in response is well at least I have a million-dollar apartment. That’s the response your parents told you to say to bullies. Well if you say that to me I will start to cry and stare at you and then you’ll feel bad for being classist. I hope you’re feelings for me remain the same or stronger maybe you see yourself as a hater too. You’re not alone. I know it’s hard to believe because I’m so happy but I’m not a hater all the time just when I’m awake.

11:55 AM

The neighborhood is changing.

East 117th Street/ Ozier Muhammad/The New York Times